My philosophy in life is to follow my passion. I believe, if we
love what we do, and we try it very hard and wisely, we’ll be successful. Money shouldn’t matter. Money will come. I didn’t come from a rich family, but I know
that I am not going to stay hungry or have to beg anyone for money/food one day
given my education. Many moments in my
life I felt that everything seemed to fall apart, but faith in what I did
always brought me hope. Hope that something
better was right around the corner. And,
I was never wrong. My effort and hard
work had always paid off, that is until last year when I started losing my
passion for what I have done. Everything
happened like a dream. Just like one day you woke up, and you felt like you fell
down into a bottomless dark canyon.
Darkness covers you. I hit rock
bottom for the first time.
Running is a great outlet for me when I think I’m losing my
passion. Running is my most favorite
sport. Dan introduced me to running
almost 3 years ago. I remember during my
first run, I sprinted very fast for 5 minutes, then stopped and could not breathe.
It took me many months to finish 3 miles without a stop given the absence of my
stamina and endurance.
One day Dan and Rob decided to do a 10K run. Dan told me about the race only a couple of
weeks before the race. I was a little
annoyed because he didn’t ask if I wanted to join them. I don’t think he was being mean, but you would
probably do the same if you were him.At that point, I could barely finish a 3
mile run without many stops and walking. Thus forget about 10k (~ 6mile).
When I asked Dan why he did not invite me to join them, he gave me
the answer exactly as what I anticipated. He told me that I cannot do the 10K
because I could not run even 3 miles. Fair enough. However, what he said
triggered my winning attitude. I decided to participate into the race despite
Dan’s warning about the possible injury I might have. I thought it would be a good challenge for me
to do what others think is impossible for me.
I got 2.5 weeks left for training.
I entered the race with the thought that I might have walked 2/3
of the race. Dan even told me that it was OK for me to walk the whole
race if I was tired and I should not try to catch up with them. He ran with me for the first mile and then he
started speeding up with Rob. I tried to forget the
fact that many people kept passing me. I solely stayed focus on my own
pace. I finished mile 1 without stopping. Woohoo!
After mile 2, I still kept running. Beyond my expectation! Then the 3rd mile
without stopping. I was startled. At mile 4, I started feeling my heavy breath
and my leg muscles began tingle and tired.
So I started walking. But 15
seconds later I managed to run again. I
used an old guy a few feet ahead of me as my imaginary competitor and motivator. People still kept passing me, though I did
pass a very few peopleJ . Whenever I was exhausted and started
walking, I looked up at my imaginary competitor and kept telling myself that I
am younger than he is and I should be able to keep running if he can do it.
Then my adrenaline was high again. When
I hit the last mile, I was completely fatigued.
The sun became very strong. I
felt dehydrated and dizzy. I still
competed with the old guy. I think he knew that we were competing with each
other because we kept taking turns to pass each other. All of a sudden, I was near the finish line,
and I could see Dan standing at the finish line with his eyes wide open as he
saw me approach. I ended up finishing the race 7 minutes later than Dan and Rob!
Though I almost collapsed at the finish
line, I still felt really good with the result.
It was not about the time of my run. It was because I beat my own expectations. I beat the little voice in my head telling me
to quit sometimes during the race. I did
walk, but I didn't stop, and I finished what I started.
1.5 years later, Vanessa and I were talking about the 2011
Austin-half marathon during a random conversation. I thought it would be a good chance for me to
level up my running. At that time, I
could do 3 miles without stopping. No
more than that. Dan was cautious again
about a long run for me because from his own experience, he badly injured his IT band during his pursuit
of the Chicago marathon in 2008, which he still hasn’t fully recovered from.
But, as usual, Dan supported my decision, and he did not forget to warn
me about the race. I entered my training with excitement, fear, and faith
by using a schedule found on the website of runner’s world. Unlike the 10K, I was better prepared for the
race. Before the race, I ran 9 miles
once, though my endurance was a little bit inconsistent.
The day before the race, Dan warned me about some big hills at the
end. He wanted to take me to see the running course so that I knew what I
had to go through during the run. However I decided not to do it because
I wanted to keep it as a surprise. I
also tried not to fathom how I could finish a 13 mile run given my inconsistent
endurance.
When I got to the race, many runners covered the area already. However something happened to me 15 minutes
before the race started. Something went
wrong with my stomach. Crap. I could not remember what I ate the day
before. I ran to find a bathroom. There were long lines at every single mobile
bathroom. I started being hectic. I
cannot quit even before the race starts.
Eventually, I could manage to make it back to the start line only a few
minutes before the race started. Phew.
The Austin-half marathon ended up being a great half-marathon, with
a lot of people cheering along the street, music at every corner, children
going down the street to hi-five the runners, and beer offered sometimes. All that exciting stuff distracted me from my
tired legs and heavy breath and I
enjoyed every single moment during the run.
There were some moments I was completely exhausted mentally and
physically, but I used my mental power to keep myself moving forward. Eventually I saw and approached the finish
line with the result that did not disappoint me. My time was not too bad but it’s not what I really
cared for. I was very happy to beat my
expectations and to finish what I started.
I have already overcome the darkest days of my life when I felt
completely directionless and powerless. I have already overcome days when I freaked out and felt empty every morning when I woke up. I read an article saying that your
brain cannot distinguish the real and the imaged (http://bigthink.com/experts-corner/how-to-rewire-your-brain-for-success). If
you keep faking your feeling, one day it becomes true. Every morning I tell myself that today is going
be a good day and I feel better. I keep
smiling at everyone every day, enjoying other moments of my life, and keep
running. I’ve learned how to stay
balanced and positive, how to start standing up again, and other life skills
along the way. I still keep tirelessly searching in all directions to find a
way out the dark canyon.
I started this note by saying to follow your passion, but to be
honest, I have yet to find my passion since I lost it. Some lost is meant to be found and some is not meant to be found. Passion is always meant to be found for me. There are many moments I clench my teeth or
let tears continuously roll on my cheeks when flashbacks of my energy and
passion in the past suddenly came back.
However, I am starting to gain an interest in several things in my
career, and I keep my hope that there is always a light at the end of the
tunnel. The passion is gone, but I will
find it all again surely one day if I don’t give up. And I am never taught to
give it up. I have a faith in rebirth!
"Believe that you can run farther or
faster. Believe that you're young enough, old enough, strong enough, and so on
to accomplish everything you want to do. Don't let worn-out beliefs stop you
from moving beyond yourself."
-John Bingham, running speaker and writer
-John Bingham, running speaker and writer
